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Soon after he began going to meetings, he made me walk behind him and not with him holding his hand. If I did anything to anger him I suffered for days with painful bruising, knocked out teeth, broken bones, and lest I mention all the different cigarette burns and other various injuries and humiliations, none of which could ever be mistaken as consensual kink. Violence had become a mainstay in my home. I feared him more with each passing year. It wasn’t long after the beatings and verbal and emotional abuse started that marital rape became my constant nightmare that I couldn’t seem to escape from. The openness we once shared was shattered time and again after the beatings and hurtful words wasn’t enough to satiate his growing anger. I remember times of laying on the floor, bleeding, broken and bruised and having my clothing ripped from my body and raped, always anally. It took me several more years before I finally said enough and I walked out. The physical reminders of those beatings. I heard her laughing and the faint sound of her voice, as she talked with him. I thought of you again, of you on your balcony, laughing sometimes as we talked.Since the night was so warm, I opened the windows in the bedroom and slept with just a pair of loose shorts and a thin blanket. I thought of you, and wondered what it would be like to have you sleeping next to me, breathing softly. I turned to my side, almost prepared to see you lying there... but all that was there was an empty space, echoing the emptiness I sometimes feel inside. I closed my eyes, and forced myself to go to sleep, overriding the emotional pain that I felt.In my dream, we were together, somewhere. It was dark, and we were inside, sitting in front of a roaring fireplace, no other lights in the room. A bottle of wine was next to us, and we were laughing and talking. The firelight danced in your eyes, and on your lips. Your lips invited me to kiss them, which I did, softly at first, and then stronger, with more.
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